He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
