He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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