Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
