You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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