I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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