When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
