Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
