i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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