at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
