I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
