He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
