4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
