drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
