I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
