Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
