end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
