one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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