his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
