dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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