Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
