Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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