and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
