could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
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I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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