i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
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she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
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Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.