hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum