I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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