hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
