god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
