my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
