One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
