Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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