She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
