I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Your cock deserves a montage
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
