you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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