pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
