Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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