One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
