god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
