I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
