ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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