I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize