I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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