I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
