look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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