My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
