so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
