Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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