My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
