I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
