well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
