just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
