at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.