I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Hippo gnu deer
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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