I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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