She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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