I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
