her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
