Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
