My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
