I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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