I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
