Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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