If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
